Monthly Archives: May 2015

Beauty of the Beasts

Here’s a humorous piece I wrote as a satire on the two opposing views of the beauty pageant; do they showcase perfection or reinforce destructive stereotypes?

Welcome back, viewers!  Freddie Fangsworth here, reporting to you live from Castle Cruelle, deep in the heart of Darkest Europe, and the 2015 Miss Monster Pageant!

We’ve narrowed it down to the top ten blood-curdling beauties, who are about to display their (perhaps quite literally) killer curves in the Swimsuit Competition!

And to start we have… Miss Haiti, Heléne Osseus, a reanimated skeleton.  Heléne may not have quite the face the judges are after, but she never has a problem keeping the weight off!

The second contestant is… Miss Israel, Golde Mett.  As a clay golem, she’s able to reshape her body any way she chooses.  And she’s certainly chosen the right shape to impress the male judges!  Careful you don’t knock something off the mantelpiece, Golde!

Next on the catwalk is Miss Switzerland, Marie-Pierre Labete, a dragon woman.  She’s strongly favoured to win, given her rarity value, beautifully polished scales and those graceful wings she now takes to the air on.  And how to describe Marie-Pierre’s pearly whites?  She could slay any foolhardy knight with that smile alone!

Our fourth contestant is… Miss Greece, Stefania Knossos.  As a Minotaur, her burly bovine body may not be conventionally feminine…  Good grief!  The catwalk is actually creaking under her weight!  Yet she’s still graceful as a gazelle as she tosses that colourful beach ball around.

Dracula’s dentures!  She crushed the ball between her thighs!  It was made of stone!  The judges better pick Stefania, if only to keep her happy!

Close on Stefania’s hooves is Miss Norway, Wenche Morgenstein.  They all laughed when it was announced a troll would be this year’s Norwegian entry, but the last laugh is definitely hers!  Congratulations, Wenche!

Delicately scuttling forward next is Miss Jamaica, Mara Rachney, a spider woman and a direct descendant of the infamous Anasie.  Mara tells the magazines she’s never quite been happy with her abdomen, but her legs are perfect… all six of them!

Stalking forth now is Claudette Lechui, Miss Tanzania, and Frankenstein’s fingernails, she is a natural!  As a were-leopard, Claudette’s svelte feline sway gives her a real edge over the other girls.  And look how she swishes and twirls what her mother gave her!  A sweet piece of tail indeed!

Just three more to go now.  Here comes Miss Germany, Erika Dunkelwald.  This lupine lovely is said to have the best hair in the contest… all over her body!  She really is something to howl at the moon about!

Our penultimate contestant is Miss Mexico, Béatriz De Colorez, a feathered serpent woman who…

Wait!  What’s happening?  I heard screams backstage…

Oh no!  Calamity!  Erika Dunkelwald is eating Miss United States, Dakota Hartley!  Erika’s dietician had warned her that her werewolf instincts might take over if she cut red meat out entirely!  Still, it was damn irresponsible of the Americans not to think what might happen if they entered a moose woman!

Well, on the bright side, this’ll make the judges’ decision that little bit easier!


Consequences (Number Four)

This one is more a “lads on holiday” piece; weird and bawdy.  I changed some of it slightly to avoid shaming folk I know and respect.

This is the story of a man called Robert and a woman called Emma.

One day, quite by chance, they met in a public loo.

Robert, who was naturally more confident than Emma, introduced himself by saying; “You have a great pair of… knockers?”

Emma responded by saying; “I bought that cottage cheese yesterday, just for you!”

And you’ll never guess what happened next…

She threw her best mate out of the window and ate crisps to celebrate.